


The Top Gear Zone

by WolfenKahlon



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Gen, Humor, Ridiculous, This is just very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 07:31:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12383685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfenKahlon/pseuds/WolfenKahlon
Summary: Cheerfully ridiculous Top Gear bodyswap.





	The Top Gear Zone

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2007 and rescued from my LiveJournal.

You are now entering a place where the normal rules of life are suspended, where men cry out for "more power!" and cruel, inevitable fate answers the eternal question of: "how hard can it be?"  
  
You are now entering The Top Gear Zone. Where today, things are even stranger than they usually are...  
  
Open with: Richard Hammond standing at the front of the studio with an expression of furious irritation.   
  
"Hello!" He shouts, hoarsely. "And welcome to Top Gear! Where-." He breaks off into a fit of coughing. The voice of Jeremy Clarkson can then be heard from off camera.  
  
"Would you stop shouting!? I'd like my vocal chords back in one piece!"  
  
The camera pans to view Jeremy, who is sitting on the sofa with The Stig. James May is curled up, on his side, in a foetal position, at their feet. For some reason there's a large amaryllis in a pot on the table. The Stig is poring carefully over a small booklet.  
  
"If I don't shout someone might step on me." Richard replies. "They'd never know I was here with this pathetic squeak you call a voice."  
  
"I do not _'squeak'_!" Jeremy squawks indignantly.

"As you can see, we're having some _technical_ difficulties today. But here on Top Gear we don't let a little thing like an insane body swap stop us." Richard breaks into another coughing fit, but does not bother to speak in a more normal tone of voice when he continues. "Things will be a little different tonight though: we'll be having _two_ challenges. One from earlier today, where we each attempted to modify a car so that it can be driven by The Stig with his new, unique, and hopefully temporary, disability."

Cut to a camera inside a car. Top Gear Dog is sitting on the drivers seat. Expression inscrutable, partly due to the pair of sunglasses perched haphazardly on her muzzle to obscure her eyes. She is also wearing a cycle helmet designed for a small child. It's been spray-painted white, very badly, you can still see the original pink colour and cartoon daises.  
  
In spite of this she looks rather impressive.  
  
"The second challenge will be live in the studio, where we try to work the machine that did this to us, and to tonight's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car, it's recently famous inventor, who is currently busy being a potted plant and can't help us."  
  
Cut to a camera on the amaryllis, and then to one focused on a man in a lab coat, who is standing very still staring into space, next to a large complicated looking machine.  
  
"Of course that would go a lot faster if James would hurry up and finish reading the instruction manual."  
  
The camera cuts back to The Stig, still reading the booklet, who holds up a piece of card with _We have to be very careful. This machine is extremely delicate._ written on it.  
  
"If you'd stop writing those signs you'd be finished a lot faster!"  
  
The Stig holds up a stack of paper, the top one reads: _I've already written out everything I need. You're too predictable._  
  
"I _am not_ predictable!" Richard retorts.  
  
 _Oh yes you are!_ Says the next piece of paper in the stack.  
  
"Uh, James?" Jeremy interjects, while Richard has another coughing fit.  
  
There is a pause while The Stig hunts through several pieces of paper. When he holds up one that says _Yes?_ Jeremy sighs and rolls his eyes.  
  
"Why don't you just take the helmet off and talk to us normally?"  
  
"He can't do that! It would destroy The Stig's mystique!"  
  
 _I **can't.**_ The Stig replies after some thought. _I don't think it comes off._

"This is ridiculous!" Richard looks more irate than he ever has before. "Let's just crank that machine up to full power and keep switching 'till we're all in the right bodies! How hard -."  
  
"Don't say it!" Jeremy interrupts. "I don't want to be stuck in your body for the rest of my life."  
  
James has been woken up by all this shouting. Rolling to all fours, he looks about for a moment before burying his nose in Jeremys crotch.  
  
"Argh! Stop that! Down girl! You and your stupid dog attracting pheromones!"  
  
As Jeremy flails about he overbalances the sofa and the whole thing tips over backwards.  
  
"Roll the challenge footage!" Richard gasps between peals of laughter.


End file.
